Seth Turbin

I've always liked school. I like learning. I don't mind homework or composing essays. I've always liked school. When I was a child, I don't remember a time when I would complain about school, as not wanting to go. I never understood people who didn't want to go. They say knowledge is power and I know knowledge is the key to understanding. There are people in this world with no idea what's going on because they don't want to learn. Knowledge opens so many doors. To choose not to learn is to choose to be foolish. To choose to be uneducated is to not a wise decision.

I've always believed this. That's one reason why I had such a hard time in my senior year of high school to choose to take a year off. I like learning. I don't want to be uneducated. I guess this is why I'm having such a hard time with this idea I've been having. I don't want to say I'm unhappy at school. I'm definitely not that. I enjoy my classes and my projects. I know exams are around the corner and I don't feel too stressed because I feel like I have a good grasp on the work but I don't want to return to school in September. I'm studying Languages and Cultures and I don't know why. I don't know what career path I want. I don't like being with people five years my junior and having to sit there listening to them complain and not have a clue about the real world. I'm not really sure if I'm getting the experience I wanted or need. What am I going to do with this career after? Where do I see myself in three years?

Maybe I'm just feeling pessimistic about New York City. Since my trip home a few weeks ago, I've really been missing the quiet of Stoneybrook. I'm just not sure what is there for me. At the same time, I ask myself, what is here for me?

I guess it brings me back to what I was writing about in January. Not just about what my place is, but what do I want to do with my life? Maybe until I have that figured out, I shouldn't be in school. Maybe I need to be educated on me before I can be educated about the world around me.

I'm back from Stoneybrook now. It was a nice visit home. Dad was pretty surprised to see me but he didn't mind. He didn't change his routine either, which was nice. I didn't want some special fanfare for coming home. I just wanted peace.

Despite the weather, I walked around Stoneybrook on Saturday. I even stopped by my old boss. He liked hearing some of my stories about Korea and gave me some tips for some new comic books that will be coming out soon.

I even went by SHS and started to think about my time there. I wasn't popular and I wasn't the centre of attention and I was relatively happy with that. I started to think about my conversation with Tim about Claudia. It would be nice to see her again, see how she is. I mean, we were sort of friends and I would love to catch up. I'm not exactly sure why I feel so hesitant to do so. It's not like I plan to make a move on Tim's girlfriend, if that's what Claudia will be to him. I just want to catch up. There is nothing wrong with that, right?

I'm glad to be back in the City. I think sometimes I forget why I moved here. I didn't have to go to university here but I did, because it's close to home but it's different. I need to keep myself out of my comfort zone if I want to keep growing. Sometimes I think I need the sameness to remind me of the different.

I keep thinking about my last entry. I left it off with I wanted to make a mark but I don't think I really knew what I meant. I have been thinking about it but I haven't figured it out yet. Exactly what sort of mark do I want to be? It's not high school where "making my mark" could be something simply like getting involved in a club or getting involved in school politics. But this isn't a school environment, this is the Real World.

Have you ever heard of Craig Kielburger? When he was 12, he started an organization that fought child labour. At twelve years old. This wasn't some small organization either, it now one of the world's largest networks to help children. That is making a mark. That is doing something.

I am not saying I don't have my strengths but I'm not sure if I have the strengths to make that sort of mark. There are smaller marks that can be made. Like when I taught in South Korea. I may not be changing their society but I was teaching children. That is something, isn't it?

Maybe the problem is school. My life was so different last year and now I'm trapped in classes and homework. I really enjoy my classes but it feels so disconnected.

I'm not even really sure what I'm writing makes sense. Just that I don't know what my mark is and if that should be responsbility to bare. I should live every day as something special without searching that special thing to cover the world in.

It's been a week since the engagement party and I've been thinking about this since then. I didn't want to entertain the thought before because it's not really something I can do about it. It was just weird to be surrounded by old classmates and have no one really recongize me. It was like I was just someone they met on the street briefly. I know I wasn't popular in high school. I didn't want to be but it's weird to think that I was so forgetable. I think I am still that forgetable in university. I go to my classes, do my readings and other homework and I speak up in class when I need to but other than that, I don't really socialize with anyone else. I have my friends- Jason and Amalia and a few others. I always thought that was enough. I don't think that has changed. My friends and my family will always enough. I don't doubt that but I wonder if I should do more. Maybe I should get out there more and try to make my mark.

The question is what sort of mark do I want to make and, I guess, also what do I have to do in order to make that mark?

( Be my friend )

( Wherever I go, there I am )